Just Close Your Eyes
By Deanie
November 1999

SPOILER WARNING: Everything up through Becoming II
RATING: PG-13 (adult themes)
SUMMARY: On her way home from stopping Acathla and sending Angel to Hell, Buffy reflects on her relationship with Angel and the events that have brought her to where she is.

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me, I only wish they did. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB. I didn't write "Becoming II" (that, again, was Joss). I'm not that creative. I'm not making any money off of this (or anything else, for that matter). I'm a starving student, so please don't sue.

I also don't own "Possession." It was written and sung by Sarah McLachlan, off of "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy." It has always seemed to me to be the perfect song for Buffy and Angel. However, due to the angst of the piece, a slower version of "Possession" is more appropriate. I recommend listening to the piano version, which can be found as a secret last song on "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" or as a song in its own right on the "Due South" soundtrack.

Author's Notes: The events in this story take place during "Becoming II." This is written from Buffy's perspective as she walks home from the mansion after defeating Acathla and sending Angel to Hell.
As you've come to expect from me, it's angsty, very angsty.

This was the first fanfic piece I wrote, and although I've covered most of the themes found here in other stories (mainly "Only When I Sleep" and the "Bad Goodbye" series…). I thought I'd polish this first attempt up a bit and put it out on the net for all to see.
Thanks to my beta-readers Calie, DevilGirl, and Alicia. I appreciate the help.

****

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
The night is my companion and solitude my guide
Will I spend forever here and not be satisfied

I felt…'numb' was the only way I could think of to describe it. I'd lost friends, family, school…but I hadn't known there would be one more thing to lose. I couldn't understand how fate could have been so cruel. How could it give me the one thing I couldn't let myself think about? Grant me the one dream that I didn't dare dream because just imagining it made me go crazy wanting it to happen? How could fate offer me that and then snatch it away?

Angel. My Angel, my soulmate, the one I couldn't live without. "When I look into the future," I had told him, "All I see is you, all I want is you." I never dreamt the future could hold such torment; I never thought it could be possible. Now, we could never have the happy future I'd never stopped wishing for.

The wind blew my hair around my face. The soft rustling of the gentle breeze sounded like Angel's voice whispering to me.

For so long, I looked forward to the night. The darkness brought with it the burdens of my sacred duty, but something else as well. Him. I used to watch the clock, almost dancing in anticipation, waiting impatiently for nightfall. That was when I could see Angel. From the moment I first saw him in the alley, I loved him. Oh, I pretended otherwise. I had called him "annoying." The truth was he was only annoying because he wouldn't tell me who he was. I just wanted to know him.

I stopped, sagging against a gravestone, and let the tears fall. I felt everything a human being could at that moment. Love, grief, hate, guilt, pain, regret -- the emotions were too difficult to identify and far too strong to fight.

I would be the one to hold you down
I'll kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

I couldn't hold the memories back. The first time I met Angel, in the alley where he had given me the silver cross. The day in the Bronze where he had given me his leather jacket, just because I was cold. Our first kiss, in my room, before I knew who and what he really was. Our second kiss, in the Bronze, when I had known all too well who and what he was and hadn't cared. The night he held me in his arms, letting me cry, after I crushed the Master's bones. Halloween, when he told me he liked me just the way I was, Slayer and all. I had never seen him smile that way before. He'd never been so cute before. Gorgeous, mysterious, dark, and brooding, but never cute, like he was an ordinary guy. Like we were a normal couple, sharing a normal kiss, sharing a normal love. I remembered the night he tried to recapture part of my normal life by taking me ice-skating. How I loved him for that.

I've always loved him. Even before I had ever met him, I loved him. I was waiting for him. Even with all he had done, all he had been…I still loved him. It was impossible, it could never work…but I loved him. And my love, my love stole his soul, and my hand sent him to Hell.

Through this world I stumble, so many times betrayed
Dying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved
You speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive

I had been betrayed before, but I never thought Angel would betray me. I led him to that…I never thought he could hurt me the way he had the day after we made love. He was so cruel. But it wasn't Angel, my Angel…it was Angelus, the demon I had brought forth.

I remembered his words…in the beginning he was Cryptic Guy, the man of mystery, with riddles about The Harvest, about demonic prophecies…until the truth came out about who he was. Later, his words warmed my heart, even the words he couldn't say until that day…It didn't matter that he couldn't say "I love you" because I could see it, in his actions, and in his eyes. I could feel it just by being close to him.

Then, I couldn't wait to see him, to love him. It was a tangible ache. I needed him, oh how I needed him. When he kissed me, I wanted to die. Now, knowing that I'll never see him again, never kiss him again, I truly want to die.

I would be the one to hold you down
I'll kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Once, on my birthday, I thought he would leave me. I was so forlorn thinking of a day in my life that didn't have him in it. But he held me, and then gave me the Claddagh ring, the one that matched his. He had it on his hand, heart facing inward, signifying that his heart belonged to me. I took the ring from him and put it on my own finger in a mirror image of his, telling him with my actions what I couldn't tell him with my words. I was his, forever.

But he didn't leave. I prepared myself for him to leave, but he didn't. We were together once again. We were so close together, sitting on his bed, and then…he told me he loved me. I'd dreamed of hearing those words, but imagination was nothing like reality.

I wanted to show him what his words meant to me, show him how much I loved him. I wanted to make love to him with the passionate intensity I felt in my heart. I wanted to take his breath away…I didn't know it would take his soul away. Oh God, I didn't know it was going to take his soul away.

Into this night I wander, it's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread
Into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied

The guilt, I felt, most of all. I loved him with all of my being, with all of my soul. I wouldn't be denied, wouldn't let him deny me. All I had wanted to do is show him my love, feel his love in a tangible form. I had dreamed of it so long, of being held in his strong arms all night. Of him touching my body like he'd already touched my soul. He was the only one who could make me feel safe from all the demons, both real and subconscious. If I had only known…I would have traded anything for that one moment of pure ecstasy…anything but Angel's soul. I didn't know that was the price of my happiness. God forgive me, I didn't know.

I did it. I'm the one who took his soul from him, creating the monster. I was so selfish. I didn't know what I was doing; I didn't want to see the consequences…all I wanted was him. He tried to slow us down, but I wouldn't listen. And my wanting, my desires destroyed him. And Ms. Calendar, and Teresa, and Giles…and all of the others Angelus had tormented or killed. I made Angel a monster. I was to blame for all the pain, especially his. How had he lived with the grief, with the pain of knowing that his actions were responsible for so much agony? I didn't know how I was going to live with it.

I would be the one to hold you down
I'll kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

I was just about to permanently destroy him when the look on his face told me he was my Angel again. My poor, fallen Angel. He didn't know what he had done, couldn't remember anything but me. And he was so happy to see me, like I was to see him. The look in his eyes -- I never thought I'd see that love again. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see Acathla…no, please no, I don't want to have to do that…not Angel…please, I'll give up anything, but not Angel…

But I had to give him up. No, I had to send him to Hell. Send him to a torment I couldn't even begin to imagine when all he was doing was standing there, loving me.

So I did what I had to do. But first, I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. Oh, how he loved me. I couldn't bear to see the look on his face when I…so I had him close his eyes, and I gently wiped away the tears. Before I got out the sword and plunged it into his body. The look on his face, in his eyes. All he said was my name, but that one word had such significance. I knew what he was actually saying with his dying breath -- Buffy, how could you do this to me?

I would be the one to hold you down
I'll kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

I shook my head clear from the pain of remembering Angel. The sun was rising. I got up off the ground, heading home. Well, to what had been my home. I didn't know where I was going to go, or what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn't stay here. I loved Angel more than I had ever loved anyone, and I killed him. He would have been better off without me. They were all better off without me. I didn't belong here anymore. Maybe somewhere out there, I could find home again. Maybe somewhere out there, I could find peace.