Still Holding On
By Deanie
June 1999

SPOILER WARNING: Direct references to "Angel," "Surprise," "Innocence," "Becoming 1 and 2" and "Amends"
RATING: PG-13 (adult themes)
SUMMARY: Buffy and Angel have both known, subconsciously, that this moment is coming. But now, Angel tells her he's leaving Sunnydale. (Initial draft written BEFORE "The Prom")

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell :) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: I wanted to get this out before Buffy and Angel broke up on-screen, but Joss jumped the gun. I thought it would be in the season finale. Oh well, I wrote the first draft before "the Prom" and the on-screen break-up, so similarities are unintentional.

Thanks to my great beta-reader, Salatina, and all who gave their opinions on my fic.

When I heard this about Angel getting a spin-off, I thought of this song. "Still Holding On" is a duet between Clint Black and Martina McBride and can be found on her CD "Evolution" as well as his CD "Nothing but the Taillights." It's the perfect goodbye song for Buffy and Angel. "Even when my arms are empty, I'm still holding onto you." Sections marked Him are Angel's thoughts (and Clint Black's part of the duet). Sections marked Her are Martina McBride's part and Buffy's thoughts. The parts marked Both are the last conversation between Buffy and Angel.

This story takes place in Buffy's room, the night Angel leaves for L.A. and is the first part of my "Bad Goodbye" series dealing with their breakup. The title of the series comes from a great song by Clint Black and Wynonna.
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They knew this day would have to come. Here in the dark of the night, for one last dance. The radio softly played.


Him:
There's something out there left for you but it's not me
We've reached the point of no return; it's only right I set you free

Angel:
When I first saw her, standing there in the sunlight, insisting she was "destiny-free," I loved her. I could see her innate goodness and the strength she kept hidden from the outside world, strength she would need for her life as the Slayer. And I loved her. I tried to deny it for so long because I knew it was impossible for us. How could a vampire love the slayer? She could still believe in true love lasting forever with the innocence of youth, but I'm not so lucky. I know it could never last. She's too bright, too beautiful to live in my world of darkness. And no matter how hard we tried, how much we loved each other…It was the most horrible irony I could imagine. To find love -- the kind of true, abiding love that could last forever -- and have it unable to survive real life. Why couldn't love be enough?

Holding her, waking up with her in my arms was heaven. Like every dream I wanted but didn't dare to dream. I never imagined the simple pleasures in life could feel so good. But love isn't enough to keep us together. She's so young, so vibrant. She deserves more than a life skulking in the shadows with a creature of the night. I have to leave her. For her sake, mostly, I have to set her free. To let her go and find the kind of life she was meant for. To have a husband, family, children. Things she could never have with me. But it's so hard, because I love her so much. She is my light. She brings life to my world.

Her:
I know I have to turn away, but there's nowhere for my love to go
And there won't come a day when I won't honor what we vowed

Buffy:
I love him so much, but love isn't supposed to be like this. No one ever said it was going to hurt this much. True love lasts forever, right? But I know what tonight is leading up to. We both do. He's going to leave me. He thinks it's for my own good, that I should find someone else, someone normal. Sure, I want to live a normal life, but I want to live it with him. Impossible, right? It's not fair. I've sacrificed so much already. I shouldn't have to sacrifice him. Forever, that's what it's all about.

I can never find someone else. No one could ever compare to him. I'll love Angel until the day I die and nothing can separate me from that love. Even if he leaves me, I'll hold tight to our love, to the promise we made that day on the docks, on my birthday. Angel doesn't know, but I looked up the meaning of the Claddagh ring. To his people, when he was alive, it was a wedding ring. And in my heart he'll always be my husband.

Both:
But I'll go on with my life
We can even say goodbye for now if, if that's what we have to do
Here in my heart, even when my arms are empty, darling
I'm still holding onto you

"Buffy, we need to talk. It's important."

Angel looked so serious. "More demonic prophecies? Pre-ordained blood-fests?" Buffy tried to joke, but deep inside she knew…

"No, this…this is personal." How could he make her understand…

"I know. Please, Angel, don't do this."

"Buffy…"

"I know what you're going to say. I know, we've been leading up to this…this…point in our relationship where we can't really go on…But to leave? I don't want you to leave me. I can't live without you. And no matter what you say, I'll never find someone else to lead a normal life with. So don't go…"

"I have to." This was the only way he knew to set her free, to let her lead the kind of life she was meant to…in the sunlight, away from his world of darkness.

"No you don't. You're choosing to leave me."

"This can never be anything…never be anything real. There's too much between us, too much in the way that we can't control…" He was in agony. The emotional pain was raw, like he was ripping his own heart out.

Buffy calmed, briefly, and looked directly in his eyes. The pain was tearing her apart, but she wanted one last perfect moment with her true love. "Hush. For now, don't talk. Just dance with me."

He wasn't strong enough to resist her, desperately wanting to hold her in his arms one last time. So they danced.

Him:
We can't deny that this one's out of our control
Stronger than the both of us and bound to take its toll

Angel:
She feels so good in my arms, her soft body so close to mine. Not talk? That's okay with me, because I don't know what to say, how I'm going to get through this. I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. Actually, I probably did, but I tried to deny it. Why is it that the right thing can be so hard to do? We can't be together, in the truest sense of the word. We could never truly be together or the demon inside me would be unleashed. It is so hard, and I know that sooner or later we would lose control. It's too hard to stay apart when every inch of my body, every instinct I possess wants to lose myself in her. I can't fight it much longer. I don't have that much willpower…even though leaving her at the end of the night is the hardest thing I've ever had to do

Her:
I can stand the test of time and as far as I can see
There are no walls that we can't climb standing between you and me

Buffy:
Was I naïve to think our relationship could work? Maybe with his two hundred years of dating experience he sees something I can't. But maybe those years, that cynicism has changed him so he can't see thing the way I do. It's so clear that love is forever. And I'll love him forever. So why can't we be together? I mean, I know we can't be together like we were on my birthday, and it's so hard to stay apart…But I need him so much -- as much as I need the air I breathe. I don't know how I'm going to live without him.

Maybe, deep in my heart I know that being apart is the right thing to do. But I couldn't do it, couldn't leave him, even if it is the best for the both of us. So if he really loves me, how can he leave me? How can he leave me?

Both:
And I'll go on with my life
We can even say goodbye for now if that's what we have to do
Here in my heart, even when my arms are empty, darling
I'm still holding onto you

Even in the silence, she was thinking. "So, once you've left, are you going to forget about me?"

"Buffy!" He could hear the tears in her voice, the tears she was trying hard not to shed.

"Okay, I know that it's hard, for us, I mean. Our relationship has never been easy, but we can make it work. We're not that different." She wasn't sure what to do to make their relationship work, but more than that, she didn't know how to go on without him.

"If I thought for one moment that staying here was the best thing to do, I would. But it's not. It's a hard choice, but one I have to make." He just had to keep up his courage to do this, to do the right thing, until it was over.

"Angel -"

"No, let me finish. Buffy, you know I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone. And your love is more than I'll ever deserve. But we're impossible together. Darkness and light can't exist together. And you deserve so much more than me."

"How do you know what I deserve? Doesn't what I want matter?" She was angry, angry that he was making this decision and not giving her a choice. "So…that's it…goodbye? Forever?"

"It has to be." He had his own resolve face on, quietly determined to do this, even if it broke both of their hearts. She would heal, eventually, he hoped…and how he felt, well, it didn't really matter…

"For forever?" She couldn't imagine the rest of her life without him.

Both:
There's a place you'll always be
No matter where you are you're here with me
When the world is turning upside down
Together we can stand our ground

After all they had gone through so far, Buffy couldn't believe it was ending this way. "We made it through so much. Through the Master, and Spike, and Drusilla…through everything Angelus did…Angel, I don't want to lose you." She was desperate to convince him, to make him see that their love could survive whatever was ahead. But she could tell he wasn't buying it.

"Sometimes love isn't enough, Buffy. I love you so much it's tearing me up inside."

"Then don't leave."

"You know it's the right thing to do. You know, deep inside, that our relationship is going nowhere, that there's nowhere it can go right now. You're 18, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have so much to look forward to. I'm only in the way."

"You're not in the way. You are the way. You are the most important thing in my life and without you I'm nothing." She was sobbing.

He never wanted to hurt her, and it was killing him inside to see her pain. But if he stayed, he'd only cause more pain, more grief, more sorrow, and in the end, she would be worse off than if she had never met him. He turned to her and raised her chin with his hand, bringing her to meet his gaze. "Without me you'll survive. Because you're strong. You may think it's the end of the world now, but it's not. You have so much inside of you…so much light and love…I'd smother that…I'd snuff out your light." His tender gaze was gone, replaced by a look of determination. "This is the right thing, Buffy, this is what's best."

She looked at him. "Maybe someday…"

He didn't have the heart to deny her that small hope.

Both:
We can even say goodbye for now if that's what we have to do
Here in my heart, even when my arms are empty, darling
I'm still holding onto you
I'm still holding on
I'm still holding onto you

Her tears had slowed, and she was calming once more. "Angel, I really hate having to be mature about this. I don't care what's right and what's best and…all I want is you…all I've ever wanted is you."

"You'll always be in my heart. Forever…I love you. I've always loved you." So much so that it would almost kill him to leave.

"I love you. And I my heart, I'll always be holding on to you." She watched him leave out her bedroom window. And she knew, despite what he had said that this wasn't the end for them. Someday, they'd be together again, and until then, all she could do is hold on to their love.

When I'm gone, I'm still holding on
I'm still holding on