After All
By Deanie
January 2000

SPOILER WARNING: All the Buffy and Angel episodes
RATING: PG-14

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell...) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

The song is by Peter Cetera and Cher. It doesn't belong to me either.


AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This story is dedicated to my wonderful beta reader Salatina, without whom I never would have had the courage to post part one - let alone write nine more parts. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I couldn't have done it without you.

Well, here we are. At the end of the Bad Goodbye series. This is part ten in my "Bad Goodbye" series dealing with the Buffy and Angel breakup. It breaks from Buffy canon after the first scene in The Prom. Buffy and Angel didn't break up in Prom, they broke up in my first story, "Still Holding On." Got it?

I'd like to thank everyone who sent me their comments on parts 1-9. I really appreciated the feedback. No one writes solely for feedback, but knowing that people care about what I'm writing, makes me want to write more. Thank you, everyone. Your compliments really meant a lot to me.


****

Buffy:
Well, here we are again
I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight

I woke up, slowly. I had been having such a wonderful dream, with Angel's eyes on me as he watched from my window, just like he used to. But when my eyes opened, it was only a shadow. I was alone, once again. If only reality could have been like my dream; if only he were by my side instead of hundreds, maybe thousands of miles away. Every day I imagined myself hearing his voice, seeing his face again…I rehearsed what I would say to him a hundred times in my head, rewording and perfecting my speech until it was just right. In a way, doing that almost made feel like he had already come home.

I understood why he left. He thought I'd resent him for depriving me of a normal life. He wanted me to know what I was missing by being his girl. But most of all, he was scared to trust in our love, to believe that we would prevail over all the darkness in our lives. He didn't believe our love would survive in the cruelty of the real world. But he was wrong. How long would it take him to realize that?

I wanted to go and find him, make him listen to reason, make him see how much I love him and can never be happy without him. I wanted to track him down and make him hear me, make him see that my love for him will never change. But I didn't. I left him alone, with his own life.

Something had to change soon or else I'd go insane. I couldn't stand to be without him for much longer. We'd been apart for a whole year, lived our lives on our own. I didn't know if I could make it through another year waiting for him to realize it had been a mistake to leave. I had forgiven him for it so long ago, yet I was left without him: just sitting, clinging, day-by-day to this shell of a life. It was time to face our destiny together.

As I lay awake in bed, I almost felt like he was there with me, like I would see him if I opened my eyes. I wonder if that meant he was coming home?


Angel:
I still remember when
Your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats
Every step I take retreats
Every journey always brings me back to you

It had been a year since I first left Sunnydale, but now I was finally back home. The time spent apart was longer and more tortuous than my summer in Hell, but it was almost over. After all that had happened - with the loss of my soul and with my relationship with Buffy -- I'd lost sight of just about everything in my life, both good and bad. I couldn't get past the things I had done when the demon was in control of my body. No matter what I told myself, how I tried to justify my actions as those of the demon, not the man… I just couldn't separate myself from the demon the way she did.

I now realized my true motives in leaving. I'd been alone most of my life, in spirit if not in fact. And I'd always been weak. I never was very good at standing my ground and fighting for what I wanted. I was scared of the future, that she would stop loving me. I believed I didn't deserve to have her love. More than that - after all the horrors that I had done, I didn't think I deserved to be happy, even for a moment... and it didn't help that a certain band of gypsies seemed to agree with me. But, for the first time in my miserable life, I found someone who I truly loved enough to want her to be happy, to have everything she needed. And she needed more than I could give her. I wanted her to have her dream of a normal life, in the sunlight with a happy family of her own.

I had two hundred and twenty-four more years of experiences behind me, but when it came to love, she was much wiser. She had faith in true love, faith that I had lost so long ago. My life had been shrouded in darkness and corrupted by evil for so long that I had a hard time finding good in anything, even true love.

I once told her that loneliness was the most horrible thing around, but I didn't know what true loneliness was until we were apart. Before, I didn't know what I was missing. After I had known her love, every day alone was agony, because I had had a taste of the perfect love but threw it away.

She wasn't looking for someone to live a normal life with. She was content to stay with me, living my life of darkness. We were happy together - and I ruined that. I broke us apart because I didn't believe in us.

I still didn't feel worthy of her love. I had been a worthless creature long before I had ever become a demon. Even a soul had not improved me, in many ways. I was still a cynical, reticent vampire shackled to centuries of pain. But despite all that, leaving was a mistake. Without her, life was nothing more than a bland progression of days. My existence was meaningless without her love. Our destiny is to be together. I just hoped she could forgive me.

I walked by her house in the night, like I'd done so many times before. I could see the dark of her window, open to the warm night air. As I climbed up onto her roof, I detected a whiff of vanilla. I wanted to climb through her window, wake her up, tell her what a horrible mistake I made and how she was right all along. But I was scared…I didn't deserve her forgiveness. I was just praying that she would forgive me for leaving her, for hurting her, for staying away so long, hoping - no, praying - praying in the hope that God would answer the prayers of a creature like me.

But here I was again. After denying the truth of our love for so long, I was back to where I started, with her. I thought my journey was taking me away from her, on a path of my own, but I was wrong. The journey of my life was leading me back to her - to my destiny.

Both:
After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all

Over by the window, Buffy saw a shadow watching her. It looked like-- "Angel?" she whispered incredulously. Was she imagining him? Could he be here?

"Buffy." Embarrassed to be caught peeking in on her, he nervously whispered her name.

"You're home."

He heard the joy in her voice as she sat up in bed. "Yeah, I'm home." Taking a metaphorical deep breath, Angel knew it was time to apologize. "Buffy, I'm sorry. Leaving you was horribly wrong. You knew it then, but I was too scared to believe it. I didn't have faith in our love to withstand the test of time and for that, I'm truly sorry."

"I forgive you," she whispered. "You were only doing what you thought was right, no matter how misguided you were. I've had a lot of time to think about this, since you've been gone, and I can forgive you. We did the best we could. Love isn't easy. Just promise me you'll never make a decision like that on your own. We make our decisions together."

"Just like that?" Shocked, Angel ran a hand through his hair. He didn't think it could be possible. He had thought he would have to beg or grovel, waiting for months until she could forgive him.

"Just like that. Actually, I forgave you a long time ago. If you'd come home sooner, you would have known that."

"I'll never leave you again," Angel vowed. "And I'll never make major decisions about our relationship on our own. I promise."

There was silence for a moment. "Are you going to stand over there by the window all night?" she teased.

In one fluent motion Angel was at her bedside, pulling her to her feet and into his arms. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down into a long, hot kiss. All the love, all the passion, all the frustration, all of the feelings they had been feeling since the breakup poured out in that one kiss.

"It feels so good to have you close," he murmured between kisses. "I needed to feel you near me."

"I'm not going anywhere," she reassured him.


Buffy:
When love is truly right
This time it's truly right
It lives from year to year

I can't believe it. After all this time, Angel is back, holding me in his arms. I believed that one day we'd be together again, but hard lessons have told me that belief is very different from reality. We've both grown so much in our time apart. I can see it in his eyes, a lightness that wasn't there before. He's finally accepted that despite the horrible deeds of his past he deserves a happy future.

He feels so good, holding me so tightly. His mouth is cool, his tongue savoring every inch of my mouth. I remember our first kiss, right here in my room, when I thought he was just a mysterious older man - when I found out he was a vampire. It was so gentle, so tentative with the passion building below the surface that we didn't dare explore. And I remember his kisses the night we made love - so strong and warm, overwhelming my senses with his touch and taste…

I held onto the dream of him returning for so long. And now, he's finally home. We can be together again - this time forever.

Angel:
It changes as it goes
And on the way it grows
But it never disappears

She's so beautiful, shadowed by the rays of moonlight coming in her shaded windows. And she feels so good in my arms, soft and warm from sleep. My body remembers hers, molding to her curves as I hold her tight. And as I kiss her for the first time in well over a year, I can't help but remember our first kiss, here in her bedroom. It was the day she found out the truth about what I was, but before she came to accept who I was. Our first kiss was gentle, sweet, before we started to lose control. This time, our kiss is wild, hot, full of the passion of lovers long denied, but there's control, because we know there's no hurry. We have forever together.

I was an idiot to think I could live without her. Every person I saw, every voice I heard, every demon I defeated reminded me of her. She was the one thing in my life that gave it meaning. She was the light in my darkness, the light that called me home. She gave me love and comfort. She gave me strength to become someone…someone who could make a difference in the world. She was the center of my world and my life orbited around her. Without her I'm drifting in space, existing without purpose. Her love brought me through so much pain, giving me the capacity to move beyond all the anguish to a place where I could just be me. She brought me out of the past to this place in the future where I felt I actually had a future. I could be someone, making a difference because of her. Only her.


Both:
After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all

They stood together as their kisses slowed.

Breathing heavily, she gazed up at him. "I love you," Buffy whispered.

"I love you too. So much."

They settled against her headboard, half-sitting, still in each other's arms. Neither spoke. Both were enjoying the feeling of being close, holding each other once again.

"I can't believe we're finally to this point," Buffy said. "I mean, I'd hoped we'd be together again, but this…it feels like a dream."

"It's not," he whispered in her ear, "We're here, together. And I'll never leave you again. I belong to you, Buffy. I always have…even before I knew you, my heart was waiting for you."

"Even through all our uncertainty and all our times apart, my heart has always belonged to you."

"I love you," he said, turning to look deep in her eyes. "Through trials and tribulations, sadness and jubilation, with all my heart and mind and soul, for all eternity."

"And I love you," she said. "No matter what lies ahead, through heartache and joy, pain and pleasure. For as long as I'm on this earth - and even after that - I will always love you."

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you

No one really asks for their life to change. In life, we do the best we can, using the knowledge inside to make our choices. But we can't see the future - we don't know how our decisions will turn out, what paths our lives will take. We do the best we can, and sometimes that's not good enough. We make mistakes, we stumble and fall, because that's what life is all about. Sometimes you have to know the sorrow to appreciate the joy, know the ugliness of the darkness to comprehend the beauty of the light.

But if you do your best, there are no mistakes. Sometimes you just have to let your fear go and take a chance on love.

I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all