Wild Is The Wind
By Deanie
July 1999

SPOILER WARNING: This story takes place after Angel has left Buffy and is living in L.A.
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Angel has moved to L.A. and is trying to tries to get on with his life, but he can't forget Buffy.


Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is part four in my "Bad Goodbye" series dealing with Buffy and Angel's breakup. It breaks from Buffy canon after the first scene in The Prom. Buffy and Angel didn't break up in Prom, they broke up in my first story, "Still Holding On." Got it? This story takes place a week after their breakup. Angel has moved to L.A. and is trying to tries to get on with his life.

***
I tried to make you happy
You know I tried so hard to be
What you hoped that I would be
I gave you what you wanted
God couldn't give you what you need

For a while, I tried to do what I could to make her happy, because her happiness was so important to me. Her heart's contentment filled me with joy. But I sometimes got the feeling she wasn't seeing all of me, like she tried to overlook the darkness inside me even though she knew firsthand how evil I had been. It was like she was trying to repress the unpleasant parts because the rest was so good.

All the changes in my life I had made for her. I desperately wanted to live up to her expectations of me, even though I suspected her love made them impossibly high. I could never be as wonderful as I was in her eyes.

I tried to be what she wanted, but my actions weren't enough for our relationship to survive in our world. And nothing in heaven or earth could change that. I would give anything to be what she needed, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. So I had to leave her, even though I miss her so much.

You wanted more from me
Than I could ever be
You wanted heart and soul
But you didn't know, baby

She had a vision of who she thought I was, but it wasn't entirely accurate. She wanted us to be a normal couple, just an ordinary girl and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend. I know she wanted all of me - body, mind, heart and soul -- and I gave her all I was capable of giving, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't share my feelings like she wanted. I was always holding back. Maybe I was afraid if she heard the real me she wouldn't love me anymore.

So I guess ending this way was inevitable. Was I being overly cynical to think it would never work? Wasn't she being overly naïve to think it would? Or maybe I was wrong and I didn't give her enough credit…maybe she could see beyond all the obstacles in the way to the end…

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Cold in the night without your love
To see me through
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart

But now I lie here, in my tiny, dark Los Angeles apartment. Staring up at the ceiling from my bed, unable to sleep, thinking of her. Being away from her is difficult because I miss her so desperately. But being apart is for the best. I don't know how I had the courage to walk away from he when every cell in my body was screaming for me to stay. I need her so fiercely. Without her love, I feel so empty, so cold and alone. She was my sunshine, the light and the warmth of my life. Without here there's nothing, just a cold lump of dead flesh and a lonely soul. But there's nothing I can do to change the circumstances surrounding our love.

Wild is the wind, wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild is the wind

I wish I could have found the words to make her understand what I was thinking. I know she didn't really comprehend why I felt I had to leave. I would give everything, even my soul, to be able to stay with her, but staying wouldn't be best for either of us. Whatever higher power gave us this incredible love also created the tragic framework it inhabited. She's the Slayer, I'm a vampire - our love is impossible.

You need someone to hold you
Somebody to be there night and day
Someone to kiss your fears away

She needs someone to be there, twenty-four hours a day, someone who can see her in the sunlight, comfort her in the daylight hours. She needs a normal man, not a demon in a man's body. She needs someone to be by her side through all the trials of life, who can love her in ways I never could. She needs someone to make love to her, to marry her, to have a family with her. She deserves to have the life she's always dreamed of, and she can't have that with me.

I just went on pretending
Too weak, too proud, too tough to say

I had known for a while that it couldn't work. But I really knew it the day she woke up in my arms. It was just supposed to be a post-slayage nap, but it turned into something more. She was so beautiful, lying there in my arms. This was what I had always wanted, to see her as she slept. Those moments were so precious that I didn't sleep at all that night. I stayed awake, holding her, watching over her. But it couldn't last…she woke up talking about drawers, sharing space, spending the night…

We could never really spend the night together. That was a part of my curse I had never envisioned. Being so in love, so close, but not able to love her the way I wanted to. I couldn't show her how much I wanted her, needed her, loved her. So close yet unable to touch.

I had to stop pretending we were an ordinary couple, that our relationship could work. It couldn't. We were doomed to failure.

But I was so weak. Being with her would be the easy thing to do. Just stay with her, holding her, loving her…but that wasn't what was best for her, what was best for everyone. I didn't think I had the courage to tell her, but I did.


I couldn't be the one
To make your dreams come true
That's why I had to run
Though I needed you

I couldn't be the man she needed. I had too much darkness inside of me to love her the way she deserved to be loved. Staying would be a selfish decision. I needed her so desperately, still do, but I'm not what she needed. I couldn't give her the life she dreamed of, so I left her. The hardest thing I will ever do is leaving her, but I had to give her the chance to be happy.

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Cold in the night without your love
To see me through
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart tonight
That tears us apart
Wild is the wind, wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild is the wind

I felt torn away from her, like fate was pulling me in the opposite direction. Our love was so strong, but life got in the way. She's so young and has her whole life ahead of her. She needs more than being tied down to a demon who can't give her anything but misery. I know that leaving was my decision, and even though she hated it, I left anyway. I know I hurt her even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. But cliched as it sounds, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I had to set her free.

Maybe a better man
Would live and die for you
Baby, a better man would
Never say goodbye to you

I was so weak. I've always been weak. Christmas Eve, Buffy told me we're all weak, but she doesn't know, because I never let her see what's deep inside of me. I never let her see the fear inside…fear that she would hate me for making a mess of her life. Maybe if I had been stronger, I could have had the courage to stand and fight for our love. I could have fought fate and destiny and all the forces keeping us apart. Would I have done that if I were a better man? Or was leaving her the best thing I could ever do for her?

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Cold in the night without your love
To see me through
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart tonight
That tears us apart

I wonder what she's doing now, how she's getting along without me. Without her I'll always be lonely. She's so much a part of my life I couldn't imagine a night without her in it. I don't know what I'm going to do or know how I'm going to survive alone. For the past three years my life has revolved around her. She was my hope, my love, my life…without her I don't know who I am.

Loneliness is just about the scariest thing there is, and I brought it on myself. But if leaving her gives her the chance to move on, to meet someone new and have a normal life, then it's worth it. Every moment of this lonely hell on earth is worth it if that's what it takes to make Buffy happy. I just wish I could have found a way for us to be together. But that's not our destiny…not now…maybe not ever.

Wild is the wind, wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild is the wind