How Do I Deal?
By Deanie
September 1999

SPOILER WARNING: Up through (especially including) Graduation Day Part 1
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: After Anya flees Sunnydale, Xander reflects on his feelings - for her and for the ascension.


Disclaimer: Anya and Xander don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell...) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is a sequel to my Xander and Anya Fic, "You Can Sleep While I Drive" Therefore, it's #2 in my Leaving Sunnydale series. It's followed by "No Looking Back Now."

"How Do I Deal" is sung by Jennifer Love Hewitt off the "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" soundtrack. Thanks to Xander-and-Anya ListMommy Mary for the inspiration.
***

I stood there, on the steps of Sunnydale High, watching Anya drive away into the darkness. I saw her glance at her rearview mirror, and I knew she recognized my silhousette. I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to stay. I wanted to wait on the steps until she became a speck on the horizon. For once, I wanted my dreams to count. But none of what I wanted mattered, because I had an Ascension to stop. The end of the world and all that…yet another opportunity for evil to rule Sunnydale. You'd think eventually it would give up but no…evil always pops up.

So I turned away from the fleeing car, and walked off to the magic shop to get the ingredients Willow needed so we could stop the mayor. Despite my Key Guy status, I was once again relegated to the role of errand boy. At least it wasn't a donut run; this time it was much more important than jellies.

Every night in the dark I lie awake in bed
How am I supposed to dream with all the static in my head?
Turning all directions and I pray for some relief
What can I do but feel the weight I'm underneath
And grit my teeth

As I walked, I thought about my life. I didn't want to die. Ironic, with all I'd been through in the past few years. From vampires to Incan mummy girls to dead psychos planting bombs beneath the school -- my life had been in jeopardy so many times you'd think I had a death wish. But I didn't. I was amazed I'd lived this long with all the danger surrounding me. But now, I felt like a cat on its ninth life. I had been so sure that I had used up my last bit of luck and wouldn't make it through graduation, but now that my fears were likely to become reality, I didn't know what to think. I was trying not to think -- just to act -- but I was having a hard-time fighting this mind-numbing fear. I just had to think about something else, not just the death and fear…or someone else…like Anya.

Then Anya came back. At first I thought I was hallucinating. She looked so beautiful, standing there in the dim light of the hallway, with her brown hair shining and that serious look on her face. She should have been miles away by now. She had the freedom I didn't, no responsibilities to tie her to a future of certain destruction. Why would she give that up? Not that I wasn't happy to see her, but I couldn't understand why she was here.

And then she spoke. She asked me to come with her. She tempted me with promises of shelter, of safety… luring me with the assurance of companionship, of love… I didn't want to stay here. I didn't want to die. I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted to leave with her. To step out into the dark night and leave the danger of Sunnydale behind. To just drive away.

Why did she have to come back? It had been so hard to not stop her from leaving the first time. To let her run away from the mayor, the Ascension…to let her run for her life. It had been even harder not to follow. Every self-preservation instinct deep in my soul was screaming at me, telling me to run before it was too late; telling me to do anything I had to do to stay alive. But, fool that I am, I ignored it. I ignored that part of me that said I'd never survive, that I was an idiot for staying…I ignored it because some things are more important than self-preservation.

Like friendship. Over the years, we've faced demon after demon, and we've always done it together. That's how we've survived for so long - teamwork. And to get out of this alive, we're all going to had to work together. I can't leave. Hey, I'm Key Guy. Ego boost that it was, it was scary, too. All that responsibility. Shades of what Buffy must feel every day. This wasn't my sacred duty, or anything, but someone has to do it. Someone had to stand up to evil and save the world. And somehow, Xander Harris, Zeppo of Sunnydale High had been elected.

How do I deal with you? How do I deal with me?
When I don't even know myself or what it is you want from me
How do I deal with us? How do I know what's real?
When I don't even trust myself or what it is I feel
And how do I deal?

So I had to suppress my feelings. Ignore the fear, the uncertainty, the sense of impending doom.

I was only eighteen. I was supposed to have all this time ahead of me. I wanted to try to figure out how I really felt about life and love and relationships. Buffy had been…an unattainable crush, the perfect woman I could never have. But my feelings for her were never real, not in the way you should really love somebody. I still love her, but not that way. She's just a really good friend now. Willow was my very best friend, and more. She was beautiful and sweet…It made me wonder what would have happened if I had noticed her earlier. But we'll never know, and we finally came to realize we were better off as friends. Faith -- well, she had been there. She was ready, willing and able. And I was an eighteen-year-old boy spending one night running from reality. Just a wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Shockingly enough, afterwards, I felt cheap. All I had been was a convenient body for her to use. But in a way, we used each other. Which brings me to Cordelia. I was so sorry I had hurt her…I never meant to cause her any pain. She had been my first real girlfriend, and I loved her. She saw beyond my superficial images to who I really was. And I did the same for her. And I had wanted her with a desperation I had never felt before. Maybe it was just tawdry teen lust…maybe it had been more. But we never would have survived as a couple…and now she has Wesley, and I'm happy for her…in a jealous teenage guy kind of way.

And Anya. Male-hating demon turned high school student. She was so different from the other girls I had known. I didn't even know if I liked her or not, but there was something indefinable between us. Funny, when I found someone I thought I might be able to have something special with, I couldn't take the time to work out a relationship. It wasn't fair. All I wanted is to spend a night looking up at the stars with a beautiful, interesting girl…but I couldn't. Because, of all things, I had to save the world.

How did I deal with these feelings - fear, uncertainty, attraction? How could I push them away when every selfish desire I had ever had was telling me to go after her? I wanted to be with her so badly, to hold her in my arms and protect her from the world. To cradle her in my arms and wait for the world to go away. I didn't even know if it was really Anya I wanted or just the comfort and safety she promised. All I knew is that we were going to die when we had never even had our first kiss.

I wish I had left with her. She was doing what I desperately wanted to do -- but I couldn't. So I put thoughts of a happy ending in the back of my mind and continued on my way. It was so unfair that I had to choose between safety and duty, or between potential romance and friendship. But I did.

And how do I deal with you? How do I deal with me?
When I don't even know myself or what it is you want from me
How do I deal with love? Why do I have to choose?
Everybody's telling me what the hell I have to do
How do I deal with us? How do I know what's real?
When I don't even trust myself or what it is I feel
Now how do I deal?