No Looking Back Now
By Deanie
September 1999

SPOILER WARNING: Up through (especially including) Graduation Day Part 1
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: After leaving Xander to face the Ascension, Anya flees Sunnydale.


Disclaimer: Anya and Xander don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is a sequel to my Xander and Anya Fics, "You Can Sleep While I Drive" and "How Do I Deal." Therefore, it's #3 in my Leaving Sunnydale series. "No Looking Back Now" is by Kenny Loggins from his CD "Vox Humana."

***

I'm fading out of sight, my wheels are the only sound
Running at the speed of light and I can't slow down now
Out on an open road racing to beat the night
No matter where I'm going I guess I'll get there alright

I walked down the steps of Sunnydale High for the last time. Just putting one foot in front of the other, until I reached my car. I was leaving town, getting away from the Ascension. That was what was important, right? Why did it matter that Xander didn't want to go with me? I would still have my life even if he wouldn't have his. I sagged against my car door, fighting back the tears. I would not let myself cry. I would not let myself miss him. I would not let myself care what happened to anyone else but me. I would survive and nothing else mattered. I took a deep breath, and slid in the car behind the wheel. I wouldn't look back. I wouldn't see what I was leaving behind, because it didn't matter. Feeling wasn't important -- living was. I couldn't let myself stay here, no matter how much I wanted to at that very moment. The potential love of a mortal man was not something to die for.

I turned on the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Despite my protests, I took a last look at the school in the rearview mirror. I could see a shadowed figure standing on the steps, instinctively recognizing it as Xander. He just stared at the car as I drove away, then turned and walked in the opposite direction. Going to get supplies to save the world, I supposed. Why did he have to be so noble? Why couldn't he just leave his friends behind? Then again, his heroic streak was part of what made me care about him.

But that didn't matter. I had to get to the highway. My backward trek to Sunnydale High had cost me way too much time. I would have to hurry to make it far enough away before the Ascension tomorrow night. I had to hurry. If I got out of this godforsaken town soon enough I would survive. I'd be all right.

So why don't I understand what's tripping me up
It ought to be a simple thing

Leaving should be so easy, would be so easy if not for him. I couldn't bear to leave him behind. But he had made his decision. He chose his friends over me. I shouldn't care about him anymore. He rejected me. He was just a male, one of many on this earth. The world wouldn't miss him if he died tonight…but I would.

I wished I could understand all these feelings deep inside of me. They just kept coming, overwhelming my fragile psyche, so unaccustomed to human emotion. Did I love Xander? Was I even capable of loving anyone? And what exactly was love anyway? Was it the fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I saw him? The lightness of my heart whenever he said my name? The comforting warmth I felt when he held me in his arms? The heated rush I felt when I thought of his lips on mine? Was it all of the above and more?

I didn't know what love was, so how could I be feeling it? It had to be something else…maybe indigestion. Yeah, that was it. I still wasn't used to human food. It must be indigestion.

I can't hold on and I can't return
It's time to let go
And start to live and learn

I couldn't hold onto Xander. He chose to stay in Sunnydale and fight the mayor. But I couldn't stay. I was so scared. I had to protect my mortal body. I had to run. I couldn't go back to Sunnydale, not with the Ascension still promising death to all who witnessed it. I had to let go. But how? I didn't know how to make these feelings go away. I didn't know how to ignore this burning deep in my soul, this anguished longing to be near him. I didn't know how to ignore the terror I felt at having to live my life alone, without him. I didn't know how to make all of these confusing emotions go away. I wished I could just make them all go away. I didn't want to be human. I didn't want to have to feel.

I took a one-way flight too high to see the ground
Now I know how long it takes a heart to come down
Alone on the highway now, taking it mile by mile
I'd rather be a lonely man than an imprisoned child

I didn't want to fall in love - ever. I'd seen what it did to people during my 1120 years on earth. A woman changed. She became weak. She thought too much about her man and ignored her own needs. And then what happened? The man she sacrificed for, slaved for - the man she gave up her own life for - he hurt her. He dumped her, cheated on her, used her. That's what love was, not this happy, optimistic garbage of these modern-day love songs playing on my radio.

I'd rather be alone than trapped by these feelings. I didn't want to have a bond so strong I couldn't escape it. I didn't want to weep over my mate's unfaithfulness. I didn't want to be hurt by his thoughtlessness. Because, in the end, that was what happened. Love never lasted.

So why do I feel the strain that keeps tripping me up
Will it ever be a simple thing?

I didn't want to fall in love. Therefore, I couldn't be in love. So what was stopping me from being happy? I was leaving…it should make me happy. Why couldn't life be simple? Life was so much easier when I was just a demon.

Suddenly I realized I was having trouble seeing the road. I was crying. Despite my resolve to keep my emotions under control, the tears were falling and I didn't know how to stop them. Me, Anyanka, immortal demon turned high school student…crying. How did I keep these feelings from overwhelming me? I couldn't escape them. No matter what he felt for me, or what was going to happen to us in the future, I couldn't outrun my love for Xander. I *loved* Xander. Pulling my car over on the side of the road, I laid my head in my hands and cried.

I cried for the loss of my powers, for my horrible adjustment to this new life. But not only that… For the first time I cried for all the women whose wishes I had granted. All of those women who loved so deeply and were hurt so much. But most of all, I cried for myself and for Xander, for a love that would never be. Even if I went back - which I wasn't going to do - we could never be together. The Ascension would bring the end of our love as it brought the end of our lives.

Everything fades away
And there's nothing left
Then you gotta keep remembering

I started the car, tried to go on the way I had been, but… I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Sunnydale, couldn't leave Xander. Even if it meant going back there to die. Even if it meant facing the mayor, dying at the Ascension. I couldn't leave. My life was meaningless without him. I didn't know how to live without him. If he died while I was out here cowardly running for my life I would never forgive myself.

I don't want to live without seeing his smile every day, without hearing his voice call my name. I don't want to have to go on if I can't hold him. I want to take him in my arms, feeling his body warm against mine, feeling the comfort of his breath on my neck. I want to be with him, even in the end.

So once again, I turn my car around, and head back to Sunnydale. Because I don't want to survive if it means surviving alone.

I can't slow down and I can't return
Rivers will run and bridges will burn
And I can't say just how
But there's no looking back now
No looking back now