Only When I Sleep
By Deanie
July 1999

SPOILER WARNING: Up through "Anne"
RATING: PG-13-mild R, for sexual situations (B/A)
SUMMARY: After running away from home in the aftermath of "Becoming," Buffy's haunted by dreams of her lost love.

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This takes place during "Anne" when Buffy is dreaming about Angel before he comes back from hell. The first dream in the story is from "Anne." All further dreams are mine…Buffy's…you know what I mean…

***

I've always dreamed about him. From the first day we met in that dark alley, that gorgeous stranger fascinated me. When he wasn't around in real life, he was in my dreams. When he was by my side and in my arms, he was in my dreams. When he lost his soul and wasn't my Angel anymore, he was in my dreams. Then I sent him to Hell. And I kept on dreaming…

You're only just a dream boat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast

I'm standing on a beautiful beach, walking down to the water's edge. The soft sand slides between my toes and the gentle sunlight warms my body. It feels good, because I've been so cold lately, cold and alone without him. But in this heavenly place I don't want to think about that.

The breeze blows my filmy dress around me. It feels like a caress, his caress. I surrender to the pleasure of it…and I wait, because if I wait long enough… I listen to the sound of the waves rhythmically finding the shore, just as he always finds me.

He comes up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist, his body warm and welcoming. Without opening my eyes, I snuggle back into his embrace. I lean my back against his firm chest, bringing my arms up to hold his. Part of me doesn't want to open my eyes, because I'm afraid this isn't real. But I do, turning to gaze deep into his eyes, making sure it's really him.

"How did you find me here?" I ask. Does it really matter how if he always finds me?

"If I was blind, I would see you."

I love his cryptic comments. They're pleasantly familiar, like his touch. Being held in his arms feels so good, so right. I miss this. I need this, need him. I cuddle deeper into his embrace. Hold me tighter, Angel, please. Never let me go.

"Stay with me?" I ask. Please say yes. Stay here with me forever, in this peaceful place.

"Forever. That's the whole point."

I relax. Angel's here. I'm safe and warm, and I don't have to think about anything but our love. This what I've been wanting for so long. This is paradise.

"I'll never leave," I hear him say. I never want him to leave me. I couldn't live if he left me.

He continues, leaning closer to whisper in my ear. "Not even if you kill me."

His words jar my perfect fantasy. My eyes widen as they sink in. In this world, we're together and happy. It can't be real. It's just a dream…

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep

I'm sitting at a table in the library reading…something. It really doesn't matter, because I'm not really paying attention to the book. I'm waiting…waiting for him. It seems like I'm always waiting for him.

I sense his presence before I see him. Something inside him speaks to me. He moves almost silently into the library, the faint rustle of his coat the only sound in the stillness of the night. He comes to a stop behind my chair. I catch a whiff of his unique scent, an exotic, musky fragrance I can't really identify. Without saying a word, he puts his hands on my bare arms, rubbing, up to my shoulders and across. His hands are strong but exquisitely gentle as he uses his thumbs to knead the nape of my neck. I tip my head forward, sighing with pleasure at his massage, and then back again so I can see his face. The look in his eyes is so intense it takes my breath away. He leans down, slowly, while I strain upward, and our lips meet. His lips are cool, soft, and so tender. The gentle pressure feels so good, but it's not enough. I reach my arms up to pull his head down, closer, to kiss him harder. I want to feel his tongue touching mine.

I restlessly turn in the chair, but I can't get close enough, so I rise, momentarily breaking the kiss. I feel lost without him, even for the brief seconds it takes to stand. His arms reach around my waist, roughly pulling me closer and we kiss again, hotter, wetter, deeper. His tongue is warm and rough in my mouth. My hands are around his neck, pulling him so close even air can't get between us. I reach up to touch his hair, soft and springy as it curls around my fingers. One of his hands comes up to stroke my back, while the other moves lower, pulling our hips tightly together. It's too much…I need…I need him…I love him…

"Angel" I whisper breathlessly. And then I hear a sound that doesn't belong. I try to get even closer, to become a part of him. I want to get so close that nothing can separate us. No, I don't want to go. I want to stay here, with him.

But it's too late…the sound, it's my alarm…and once again, this is a dream…

And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappeared
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm working through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge

Every morning I wake alone, crying out his name, his taste on my lips and his voice in my ears. I need him so desperately. He completes me…without him, I'm not whole. I was only half-alive until I met him, and no one until I belonged to him. Alone, I don't know how to go on.

I blame myself for turning him into a monster. How could he not blame me as well? I was responsible for him losing his soul. He wanted to slow down, to not rush our relationship, but I wanted him so badly I pushed past his objections. And in doing so, I was responsible for the one moment of happiness that took his soul. And then, when he finally got his soul back, when he was my Angel again, I killed him. I impaled him with sword and sent him to Hell. I love him so much, and I destroyed him. It doesn't matter that I didn't have a choice, that the world would end if I didn't do it. I stabbed him, sending him to Hell, sentencing him to eternal torment. And I can never get him back. Even if he came back to earth, how could he forgive me when I can't even forgive myself?

Awake, I imagine all of the horrible things he would say to me if he were here, how he would blame me for sending him to Hell. But in my dreams, none of that matters. We're together, like we were before. Anything is possible. I wish life would leave me alone, and just let me sleep…we're together when I sleep. All I want is to get to that magical dream place where we can be together. His harsh words at the end of my dream wake me, because in my dreams, we should be happy. What terrible things he would say to me in reality he wouldn't say in my dream world.

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep

I'm in the kitchen, microwaving a cup of hot cocoa. Mom's…somewhere else…art buying again. I'm alone in the house, but not for long. It's late, but I know he'll come. He always comes to me. The microwave beeps and I take the cup out, sipping the rich liquid, not quite hot enough to burn my tongue.

"Angel." The kitchen door creaks as he walks in. He wraps his arms around my waist and I snuggle back into his embrace, feeling the softness of his shirt over hard muscle. He holds me tighter, but I want to hold him too. I turn around in his arms, wrapping my arms around him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. But it hasn't been that long since we were together."

"It feels like forever." I lay my head on his chest, feeling the coolness of white silk against my cheek. It's odd, how he doesn't have a heartbeat, but I've gotten used to that. "I've always hated the daytime, when we have to be apart."

"I hate it, too," he whispers in my ear, "when we can't be together."

It feels good to hear that Angel missed me as much as I missed him. It feels even better to have him so close. "But we're together now."

"Always."

For a moment, we stand there, locked in each other's arms. Then slowly, as if by some unspoken signal, we turn our heads, coming face to face. I look directly into his deep brown eyes, growing fiery with desire. He lowers his head slowly and we kiss. My hands frantically dig into the back of his shirt, trying to pull him closer and make him a part of me. His hands are on my back, moving lower, pulling me closer until I feel every inch of him pressed against me.

Our tongues touch, dueling fiercely and I can taste my hot chocolate in his mouth. I didn't think it could get this intense this fast. I want him so badly, and I know he feels the same.

Lifting me up, he sets me on the cool hardness of the counter. I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his body through the thickness of his jeans. We fit together so well, like we were made for each other. I'm holding him so tightly he couldn't escape, even if he wanted to. It's wild…his kisses are so hot, and they're addictive. Like potato chips, I can't have just one. But I want more…we want more…

"I want you." His whisper is rough in my ear. "I need you."

I can barely think, my feelings are so intense, and they're heightened knowing he feels the same way.

"I love you," he whispers softly. "I've always loved you."

I feel like I'm going to explode, it feels so good…and his words…he loves me…he loves me…

"I'll love you forever," he whispers, but he sounds different this time. "Even from hell."

And I wake up with a jerk. It was only a dream.

It's reaching through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast

I close my eyes. I smell flowers all around me -- the perfume of a perfect spring day -- and I can tell by their scent that they're beautiful. I hear the hum of voices nearby, absently recognizing those of Willow and my father. The lacy bodice of my gown fits snugly, and the long train swishes around my feet. I'm breathing way too fast, almost hyperventilating, so I inhale deeply, trying to calm myself and slow my racing heart. Just breathing, in and out, with the sweet scent of the flowers filling my lungs.

I open my eyes. I'm in the most beautiful mansion, standing at the foot of a gleaming oak staircase. Garlands of flowers trail down the stairs as they curve to meet the marble floor. It's beautiful. It has to be, because this is the most important day of my life. My wedding day.

I see Willow smiling as she settles the veil in front of my face. Everything has a soft glow, like I'm in a cloud. Appropriate - I already feel like I'm walking on air.

"Are you ready?" my dad says, taking my arm. I hear the tapping of Willow's high-heeled shoes as she walks down the hallway that's serving as an aisle for my special day.

Taking another deep breath, I start to walk. I feel people all around me, see the smiling faces of my family and friends - but none of them matter. All I can see, all I can think about, is him. The same as always, he is the only one who matters. It seems like I've always been waiting for him and for this day. Now the wait is over, because I'm going to marry him.

Angel stands directly in front of me, waiting at the end of the aisle. He is so gorgeous in his tuxedo, my ultimate fantasy of tall, dark and handsome. His hands are fidgeting with his cufflinks and he looks a little nervous. I guess he should since it's his wedding day too.

When he sees me, he smiles, showing me all his love in that one look. And then he stops fidgeting. My breathing slows and I smile back, hoping he can see it through the veil. All my nerves fall away. Because he's found me once more…and this time it will be forever.

We've reached the end of the aisle and stand before the minister. Angel takes my hand, his fingers cool but slightly trembling as they grab mine. My fingers clutch his just as tightly.

I hear the minister talking, words about sanctity, and love, and forever…but most of my attention is riveted on the man before me, my husband-to-be. His eyes meet mine, and his unwavering gaze promises me a perfect forever. Neither of us are really listening as the ceremony goes on. The only part that counts is when we say "I do."

Then the world stops -- the minister pronounces us husband and wife. My dream is realized as he says "You may now kiss the bride."

Angel carefully lifts off the veil and suddenly my misty world is clear. He stares at me intently, eyes darkening, as he lowers his head. I close my eyes, surrendering to the rapture of his lips on mine, soft and gentle. Then he pulls me to him roughly, like he can't help himself, and I wrap my arms around him to pull him even closer, showing him that I feel the same love and desire. Breathlessly, I break off the kiss, but he's still holding me. I take a step back, eyes still closed, just savoring the moment.

But something's wrong…a scent that wasn't there before. I open my eyes. Angel isn't there. No one is there. I frantically look around, but the mansion is empty. The flowers that had been so beautiful a few moments ago are now wilted, blackened, and dead. I'm all alone…

I awaken, realizing once again that it's only a dream.

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep

Every night he finds me. Every night, I see him in my dreams. We can be together there, like we never could in reality. In my dreams, there are no curses, no prophecies, no demons. In my dreams, I never had to send him to Hell.

Every morning, I awaken. I smell his scent on my pillow, like he was with me all night. I hear his voice, whispering my name in the dark. I see the look of desire in his eyes as he loves me. I feel the touch of his hands on my body, holding me close, caressing me, making my fantasies come true. I taste his kisses, from the sweet and gentle to the wild and passionate. I awake with my senses on fire, aching for his touch.

But dreams have to end. Morning always comes, no matter how hard I try to fight it. I try to stay lost in sleep. I desperately want to return to my beautiful dreams. If I could, I would never awake - just sleep the rest of my life away. All I want to do is stay with him in my dreams. I keep dreaming, hoping that one day the end will be different. He won't remind me that he's not with me because I destroyed our perfect bliss. That I'm alone I created the one moment of happiness that took his soul away, turning him into a monster. That we can never be together because he finally got his soul back, I had to send him to Hell.

But I can't sleep forever. Eventually I'm faced with the day, cold and alone, needing him but unable to have him near. In sending him to Hell I created my own Hell, here on earth. I'm with him every night, but in the end, it's only a dream…