I Shall Believe
By Deanie
January 2000

Disclaimer: Nick and Natalie don't belong to me. They belong to James Parriott, Barney Cohen, Sony/TriStar. I'm just borrowing them for a while...and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them (well, mainly Natalie) through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author’s Note: This is a response to the “What Did the Card Say” challenge (referring to the card that Nick sent Nat at the end of “My Boyfriend is a Vampire”), and takes place during the end of that episode.

***

Huddled on her couch, Natalie pulled the blanket tighter around her, clutching the handful of tissues in her hand. She couldn't believe it. After nearly five years, she had given up on Nick. She never would have thought it was possible for her to do such a thing; they were linked in some way, connected with a bond so strong she never would have believed she could have broken it. And Nick, how could he have just stood there and let her leave? Like she didn't matter, like they didn't matter... and later, in the police station, he couldn't say anything. Couldn't come up with the words to make her stay, to let her know her efforts weren't completely futile.

Her greatest fear had come true. Nick didn't really love her. If he had, he never would have let her walk away. Would have done something, anything, to get her to stay. Instead, he just let her leave.

A knock on the door broke her from her reverie. "I wonder who that could be?" she asked Sidney, who was curled up at the other end of the couch.
Standing in her doorway was a deliveryman with a big bouquet of fragrant wildflowers. "Dr. Natalie Lambert?" he asked. When she nodded, he handed her the flowers.

Taking the fragrant blossoms, Natalie looked for the card. "Wait." She said to the retreating deliveryman. "There's no card."

"Oh," he said, "I almost forgot." He pulled a thick envelope out of his pocket. "This goes along with the flowers."

Opening the envelope, Nat found a card. Inside the card was a three page letter on old-fashioned parchment paper and an unlabeled cassette tape. A message was written on the inside of the card in Nick's familiar scrawl.

 Natalie, I know there's no reason for you to have anything to do with me at the moment, and I have no right to ask you to do this, but please, just play the tape and read the letter. Love, Nick

Love? Nick had actually written "love?" Maybe he did really love her after all. "Maybe I was too hasty in not giving him another chance," she murmured, walking over to the stereo, tape in hand. She put the tape in the appropriate slot, and pressed play. After a few moments of silence, the haunting melody began.

Come to me now And lay your hands over me Even if it's a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe  I'm sorry, for all the things I've done to you, and all of the things I haven't said, for everything that has lead you to believe there's even the slightest possibility that I would use you or willingly hurt you. I never meant for us to turn out this way. The last thing I would want is for you to believe I was using you for my own ends, just to find my own mortality. Even in the beginning, before I truly knew what a special person you were, the cure was a distant second to the way I feel about you. I would be with you even if you never made another protein shake again, just as long as you let me see you, talk with you, and hold you. When I'm holding you, I believe. I believe that I have the possibility of becoming human, of making amends for the horrors I've perpetrated, of actually living a happy life with you. Before you, I was lost, without hope, sceptical of anything about my dismal future. Without you ... I wish you were here with me right now, as I'm writing this, to tell me everything was going to be all right, that *we* are going to be all right. Because when I'm with you I believe anything is possible.

I'm broken in two And I know you're on to me That I only come home When I'm so all alone But I do believe I know you get frustrated with me, and I don’t blame you. I turn away from you so much. Turn to Janette, to the Raven, away from my search for humanity. I don’t even understand why I do it, why I go back to something I hate when all that I’m searching for is right in front of me. You feel like home to me. Like I’m finally in the place where I was meant to be. Like the hundreds of years of torment as a vampire are worth it if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m disgusted with myself with every step I take backward. You are my goal, everything I’ve ever wanted, and I hate myself when

I turn away from you, when I just keep slipping farther and farther away from our goal. I get lost, can’t see my way through to you. Your love warms me, and comforts me, and lets me know I’m never alone.

That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

I'm sorry that I'm more hindrance than help to you in your search for my cure. I give new meaning to the word 'conflicted,' seemingly straining on to meet our common goal, while at the same time backsliding more often than not, embracing the vampiric heritage I try so hard to deny. I wish I could give you everything you wanted, be who you wanted me to be. But I can't. I've got eight hundred years of baggage and bad habits, and I'm just not capable of fighting it all. I wish I could be stronger, for you. I wish I could follow your prescriptions, drink the protein shakes, take the vitamins and do everything you want me to do, but I can't. I’ve got so much going on in my head, so much I have to work through from my past, that sometimes the present gets lost. And I'm not sure you can understand that, or understand how sorry I am I can't be who you need me to be. But please, Natalie, don't give up on me. If you do, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know who I am without you.

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

I'm not sure what I'm going to do if you've really given up on me. I don't think I can survive without you. I've never told you this, because I've never been able to find the words. I don't know if I can make you understand how much you mean to me. You are my life, my heart, my soul. Without you I'm nothing. You breathe life into this cold body, bring light to my barren soul. Everything in my life that's good is because of you. You're the key. I've been dead inside for hundreds of years, my wounded soul struggling with the pain and despair brought on by the evil inside me. Your love makes me believe I can be more than the wretched creature I've been for so long. You heal my broken spirit with your love.

Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

Even though you are the one true thing in my life, the only one I truly need, I turn away from you so many times. You think it’s because I don’t love you, or want you, or trust you, but it’s really the opposite. I turn to Janette because I love you too much… contradictory, I know. But I’m scared – scared that if you see the real me, all of me, even the beast within, that you won’t love me anymore. I just can’t believe that you can care about all of me. How can you care for such a vile creature? I’m afraid that if I open up to you, show you the darkness, you won’t be able to understand. That instead, you’ll do what any normal person would do – run. Run away from me, form the horrors I’ve committed, the terrible atrocities I have visited on the innocents in my path. Run away from the guilt and the pain. Run away from the lust, the cravings for the blood, for death. Run away from me, leaving all the possibilities behind.


Please don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on our future. Please say you still believe.


That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe